Had Enough

11/22/07
I've had enough of being in a rut. The ads with the pretty women in their sweaters for Christmas reminded me of how the slick sales circulars passed through my hands and wished I had a girl like one of them. I royally messed up for years and years and it never happened. I didn't find anyone to date and they didn't find me.

Oh, some girls wanted to know more about me but I had unrealistic expectations of whom I was looking for. I also had family members who were quite frankly an embarrassment. I didn't know how to dress and I worked at a job that was a turn-off to most females. I didn't make a trip to a good doctor to put me on meds to take care of my issues. I didn't ask anyone about how to improve myself- and I don't mean my parents. They either didn't know how or they liked me the way I was.

Not any more.

It's more than dating where I fall behind. That's just a symptom of what the medical people say I have; anxiety and depression. Ask the insurance company. I should be making decent money- half again what I make. I should be more fun and intersting. I shouldn't get upset about little things or stay in a constant state of anxiety. I shouldn't dream like a twelve year-old dreams- about being a big hero, a soldier, or anything else.

I have gained several powerful weapons in which to destroy the bad part of myself. I am on medications to ease the more undesirable parts of me. I have gotten older, wiser, and more independent though some of what has gone on recently should have taken place twenty years ago. Now I will work on even more life changes. I can't tell you about the most important of them because this blog is read by others. I will give you a hint; it's challenging and rewarding and I now realize that challenges are what it takes to get rewards.