I forget what time of the night I was born but in the legal sense 12am today began my fortieth year. November 17 begins at 12AM so that settles that where the law is concerned.

I guess I overdid the sweets or didn't snack often enough yesterday when I said I felt rotten. My boss's dad brought in some cookies that are as decadent as a slice of birthday cake. Combine that with grape Kool-Aid (bought for 2.00 per jar at Big Lots) and you have me eating like a puny kid again. There is no doubt I am facing my parents' mortality in seeing them get sicker and more infirm.

I am having to make a few sacrifices in not going out and hitting the stores and restaurants whenever I please. Nor do I do much night fishing anymore. I am trying to find a job that affords me an hour or two travel distance between here and wherever the job is. I will have to find another place to live under this scenario.

Not that I haven't done fun things. I have been helping find airchecks for the producer at pawfilmworks.com so he can work on his website for a long-closed mall in Chicago. Some time ago I saw a web site for a recently closed mall and tried to revisit it. It was in New Jersey or a nearby state. That was when I bumped into Dixie Square Mall.

This mall near Chicago opened in November 1966 and closed that month in 1978. Months later it was used by Universal to film the mall chase in "The Blues Brothers." It seems the mall's closure in a rapidly-deteriorating town had a silver lining for John Landis, the movie's producer. The video snippits and pictures of the abandoned mall are a surrealistic view of something similar to ancient catacombs.

I did one call-canvassing session and a letter to the editor for Mac Collins, who ran for Congress. He may or may not pay for a recount but the state's secretary of state gave the election to his opponent, Jim Marshall. I saw my party ruin their chances to retain power nationally. Not that Iraq would have been a flash in the pan but Americans want to see tangible progress. A war kept Lyndon Johnson out of the White House although Johnson exhibited much more ineptitude than Bush.

These days I have gone to bed early though I have still been a little more tardy at work than I should be. Why don't I get quality sleep and why do I feel tired even after nine or ten hours?

I will ask my doctor about Cymbalta or a higher dosage of Zoloft. I don't want to monkey around with the Buspar. I only occasionally take the morning dose of Buspar. My head feels like it is in a fog when I am on Zoloft and the Buspar seems to be making it a little more noticeable. I haven't had the reality of turning 40 sink in quite yet.

Last day that I am 39

11/16/06
Today is the last day I am 39. Tomorrow I turn 40. I have mixed feelings about becoming 40. For much of my life I haven't achieved what I want and I think I have wasted too much time in my life.

This week I have been stuck at home for two evenings while we work with Mom and Dad. Sometimes neither one wants to listen to me or my sisters, especially Mom.

I feel depressed today. I work with the half wit crew this weekend again.

Dad's second ablation session

11/09/06
Last Friday Dad had to go to the hospital via ambulance because his implanted defibrillator went off five times. It went off four of those times when he walked to the house for help. He was planting pansies. I think I beat the ambulance there since I was around the corner and up the road at my shop.

I waited in the ER and my uncle dropped by. We waited then he was brought into the Chest Pain center partly because the ER was jammed with the runny nose club. It's a shame a flex space isn't available for peak ER visits. The electrophysiologist was there and paced Dad back into normal rhythm and dropped his heart rate to 70. Medications including morphine and lidocaine went into Dad. I had to go home and help Mom and give Dad some rest.

I was furious in a sense that Dad could not have been fixed earlier this year. I thought about sending him to Emory as an option but Dad felt the care from the Macon doctor quite sufficient.

My dad got a room on the 8th floor and was spared the laggards who worked in the cardiac ICU. That Saturday he found that he would get an ablation and they weaned him off the lidocaine that Sunday. The doctor ablated his heart to burn off nodes generating short circuits. He wanted to do more ablating but could not. I hope that Dad won't have to make a return trip to the hospital.

I know my Dad won't last forever and that long-term care of some form is in the near future for both of my parents. I just feel I haven't done enough for them or to make myself a successful person. I dislike being so cynical, so angry, so quiet, so grumpy. I have another side to me that is nice and as honest as the day is long. I guess the word for me is scared. I've been scared and now that forty years close in on me I am tired of being scared of this, that, and the other.

KAT